The Hurt & The Healer....My Version

It has been a very long time since I posted to my blog here, but I have a lot of spare time on my hands right now, so I am going to be improving my blog and even going to start working on a Facebook page to help uplift those who are struggling in life. I want to get better at living intentionally, so I am going to begin working harder at Passionately @live! So let me fill you in a little on how the past few months have played out for me.

The last post I put on here was back in February, and life starting taking a turn in March. March 6, 2015 I was off work and my husband and I decided to go to the library to check our messages. The very FIRST thing I saw was a post that my cousin, Michael, had passed away the day before from an apparent drug overdose. My world fell apart and I took it very hard. I was all the way in Montana & couldn't be home for his funeral, and that made me very sad.......ONE.....

Shortly after Michael passed I found out that my dearest Grandmother had to be rushed into emergency surgery. I got the call just after pulling out of the church parking lot on a Sunday morning. I was told that she may not survive the surgery, that doctors thought something had ruptured inside of her and they didn't know what. My grandma was 91 years old and her age definitely played a factor. I had about 30 seconds to tell my Grandma how much I loved her before they whisked her away to the operating room.

She survived the surgery and returned home about a week or so after, on hospice. I put in my 2 weeks notice at my job and prepared to return home to Arizona so I could hopefully see my Grandma one more time before she left this earth. I got home on April 24th, and had the fortunate opportunity to be there with her as she went to her heavenly home 3 days later......TWO...

While at my grandmother's viewing I was dealt another blow. I found out that my only remaining grandparent, my now 90 year old Grandpa Tom, was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and that he chose not to pursue any further treatment. He wants to live out the rest of his days with the best quality of life possible.

My grandpa is pictured, center, with his son and several of his nieces and a nephew, and their grandpa. Grandpa is still with us, but that news hit me so hard I couldn't breathe. I had to leave the funeral home and go have a good cry......THREE.

On May 9th, the day before Mother's Day, I found out that one of my best friends found her brother-in-law hung himself on his mother's porch. My girlfriend was beside herself with grief. Six days later, on the eve of her brother-in-law's memorial, two of my dearest friends in the whole world, who I'd been friends with for 25+ years, were nearly lost in a rollover accident just down the street from where I was living.......BOOM!

 THAT WAS IT.....

THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMEL'S BACK......

After 11 years and 8 months of sobriety from my meth addiction I finally broke, and chose to get high to deal with the overwhelming grief that consumed me. My bestie on the right in the above picture was critically injured, with a crushed/shattered pelvis, several broken bones and internal bleeding. My bestie on the left was left paralyzed from the shoulders down, and we are hoping that she will regain use of her arms, but her future was crushed. Both of these girls are amazing friends and mothers. Their families' lives forever change by a freak accident that could have happened to anyone.

I returned to my addiction for nearly a month before realizing that my life was headed back down a very dark road, whose end was not a happy one. My loved ones could tell that I was spiraling out of control, and about 3 weeks into using again I chose to leave my hometown and everyone I loved behind and seek out somewhere that I could make a new life. I drove to Northern California to live with some friends who offered to help me put my life back together.

Less than 2 weeks into living with them, I realized that the living arrangement was not going to work out. I chose to leave my friends, and for the following week & a half I lived in my truck and laid my head wherever I could. During that time I was homeless...sleeping in the back of my truck, and robbed of everything of value that I possessed....while I was sleeping!!! It took me several days to contact my family and make arrangements to stay with cousins in Southern California, where I am living happily today.  But the trials don't end there....

I arrived in the San Bernardino area on July 3rd. By July 6th, an injury that I had sustained on my left big toe before I left Arizona became infected. The injury was around 2 months old and little healing had been sustained. I decided to go to the emergency room and was admitted to the hospital with an obvious infection. I was diagnosed with Osteomyelitis, infection of the bone, and required amputation. The doctors thought they might have to take half my foot, but I was given a blessing with anointed oil for the healing of the sick, and my foot drained out so much yucky, smelly discharge that by the time I had to go to the operating room, only my big toe needed to be amputated.

I have endured 15 days in the hospital over the past month and a half, two surgeries and I am still confined to a wheelchair with a wound vac on my foot to help encourage healing. Turns out I got some pretty serious bacteria in my foot while swimming & bathing in the rivers of Northern California. While I was in the hospital I decided to go back to church & get my life together. I am a work in progress, and trying to make every day better than the last.

I stopped using drugs on June 5th, and stopped smoking cigarettes cold turkey on July 6th, when I spent 10 days in the hospital. Once released, I disposed of 2 full packs of cigarettes, determined to stop partaking of unhealthy habits. I have a new lease on life because I realize just how close I was to losing my future for good. I don't plan to EVER use drugs or smoke ever again! I am looking forward to a great future once my foot is healed. The following song is one that rings true in my life at this time.

I want everyone to be encouraged by my story. I hope that hearing just a few of my recent experiences will help you to get through some of your struggles. KNOW THIS, friends...that God is REAL and he knows what you're going through. If you just turn to Him for your strength and healing, you can never go wrong and He will help give you strength. "For I can do ALL THINGS through CHRIST, who strengthens me. And He WILL strengthen YOU, too!!!!

I Am a Wounded Warrior

Heal The Wound But Leave The Scar

Tonight I had a talk on the phone with one of my oldest friends. This dear friend has been through a tremendous amount of trials in her life...ones that if I'd had to endure I'm not sure I could have handled it. I've dealt with my own share of trials....lost pregnancies, abandonment, rejection, divorce, rape, sexual abuse, spousal abuse (verbal, physical, mental, financial), homelessness, drug addiction....Wow, once I list them I see just how much I have personally gone through!

I'm an Overcomer!

And so is EVERYONE who puts their faith in Christ. What truly saddens me about my dear friend that I spoke to tonight is that she has lost her faith after all that she has been through. There were times when I doubted my faith along the way....times that I ran as far from God as I could because I didn't think He was there for me with everything I'd faced. But I was WRONG!

When the time came that I finally hit rock bottom (which I did a FEW times before surrendering), I noticed that the ONLY person who was there to pick me up and heal all that was broken in me. I find now, that after fully surrendering to Him, I can talk about my experiences without feeling the pain and anger about them that I once felt. I can talk about how God has healed my soul, and made me whole again. My life is still FAR from perfect, but it is so much better since I've learned to give it all to Him every day. 

This dear friend of mine has lost her faith in God, others and herself because of the difficult things that she's gone through. She turned to God several times, and has given up on organized religion, because of people who have called themselves Christians and have fallen short of the mark. My dear friend expected the leaders of the churches she attended to give her the things that she needed, and when they proved to be human, as indeed they are, she gave up on God. 

WE WILL NEVER FIND PERFECTION IN ANY HUMAN, REGARDLESS OF WHAT CHURCH THEY ATTEND, LEADER...APOSTLE....PROPHET... EVERY HUMAN WILL FALL SHORT OF THE MARK OF PERFECTION WE PUT ON THEM.

There has always been only ONE perfect person to ever walk this earth, and He CAN give you the strength, healing and support you will always need. His name is Jesus!

The third musketeer in our group of friends....my girlfriend, our dear friend, and I....has been missing for several years and is also tormented by the horrific things he experienced in life. After enduring several traumas he turned to drugs, and he has never been the same. Sadly, I feel partly to blame for this dear friend's addiction, because he and I used heavily together back in the day, but I chose to enter recovery and change my life. He chose to remain in his addiction and refused to give up his pain to the only one who can truly heal our hearts. He also chose to rebel against Jesus and claim that He didn't care about him or He wouldn't have allowed him to go through all that he has. 

This is the greatest lie that the enemy can get us to believe. I have chosen to have a different philosophy in life. I have chosen to turn to the one who rescued me and give Him all my imperfections, and all my pain. The Word of God says in James 1:2-5...I prefer the Amplified translation, as it puts it into such great context...

    "Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing."  

I am truly grateful that I've been changed from the inside out by His great love. For a long time I was just as bitter and angry as my friends. It makes me sad to see people resort to a life of sadness and misery, when all they have to do is surrender and allow Him to take away their pain. I hope that anyone who is suffering from the intense pain of life's scars will be able to find peace as I have someday. I'm grateful now that Jesus has healed the wounds of my past, but left the scars behind so I will never forget. In closing I'd like to share this song with you, and I hope it touches your heart as it has mine. 

I pray for you every day, my friends. May God's peace be given to you through the one and only healer of all wounds....Jesus Christ!

Something we all need to remember!

I saw this video on Facebook today and I just HAD to share it. We all need to watch this and remember that wherever we go and whatever we are doing, He is there! So often we find ourselves overwhelmed and overcome by the stress and doubts of life that we forget that He is right there! He is always whispering in our ear and prompting us in ways that we never understand.

One thing I really love about this video is how it shows him rejoicing with us in our happy times, and comforting us during the hard times. How different would our lives be if we all remembered that He is always by our side! I think that we would be able to have much better quality of life.

I am trying daily to change my perspective on the world. Yes there is a lot of bad in the world, and Satan surely has his grasp on the world. But those of us who have a daily relationship with Christ KNOW that we have the AUTHORITY to overcome anything from the darkness! And for those who don't know Jesus, we need to share His message with anyone we have the opportunity to! We might be able to change someone's life in immeasurable ways that we have no idea about!

Remember that He loves you and is with you always!

You Are More ~ BROKEN & RESTORED

Can we minister to others when our lives have been far from perfect? YES!

One of the greatest joys of my life is when I have the opportunity to share with others a story about my life's experiences B.C. (before Christ). My life has been far from perfect, and it still is. I'm a work in progress, as we all are. I still have my vices and imperfections, but my life has been drastically improved now that I know not to be so hard on myself, and to share my life's experiences with others who are still struggling through things I did. It's amazing to see God work through me. So today I want to share with you the devotional that hit home with me, and I hope it will bring light to someone's life today, as it did mine.
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Broken and Restored

by Drew Randle

One of my graduates from years ago, an active youth minister in a local church, called me up not too long ago with a probing issue. Facts had surfaced that his wife was having an affair. The couple had sought counseling to no avail. They were in the process of divorcing. His questions centered around his viability for continued ministry. Was he invalidated for ministry because of the divorce? With much grace, I assured him that he was not, but this would be a difficult road for him given the reality of church-related ministry.

My counsel to this former student and friend was centered around the fact that he could minister in a most unique way through his brokenness. His brokenness over his impending divorce and all of the emotions that went with it positioned him for unique ministry to broken people walking through divorce or similar situations. He was puzzled at first, but then saw some great ideas for potential ministry: a broken individual could be restored and minister God’s grace to someone struggling with brokenness.

Or imagine this: a man claims that he doesn’t even know his best friend and mentor. Categorically denies ever having contact with him. In essence, he denies that the mentor and friend ever existed. How must the mentor feel? Especially since he was present when his friend denied knowing him.

Fictitious story? Not at all. This is the story of Peter's denial of Jesus.

Peter, the brave and impetuous disciple who, in a fit of male bravado, had once claimed eternal loyalty to Jesus, now actually denied knowing Him. The Gospels record that when Jesus looked at Peter in that moment of denial that Peter was broken and shattered. This once bold disciple was reduced to fleeing the scene in disgrace.

Have you ever felt like Peter, useless after a betrayal or failure? Or have you felt like the student above, broken by the betrayal or disappointment caused by someone else?

Thankfully, the story of Peter doesn’t stop with his denial of Jesus. Later in the Gospels, we find that Jesus restored Peter three times for the three times that Peter denied Him. In fact, Jesus’ restoration of Peter extended to Peter’s ministry as a disciple. We read in Acts 2 that Peter preached a powerful sermon on the Day of Pentecost, filled by the Holy Spirit, where over 3,000 people came to know Jesus. Quite the ministry restoration. Peter ministered out of his brokenness.

How can we minister out of our brokenness?

First, we can remember that Jesus is in the business of using our broken lives to touch others. We read in Paul’s Letter to the Church at Corinth that we go through trials to help those going through trials themselves. We live that out by walking hand in hand with those who are suffering while we ourselves are in the midst of brokenness.

Second, Jesus displayed a long-term commitment to Peter’s restoration even in brokenness. We live in a sinful, fallen world. Brokenness takes time to heal. Are we committed to walking with broken coworkers or family members for the long haul? What are the limits to our care for others when we ourselves are broken?

Third, success in our work is a result of God’s graciousness and an act of His Spirit. Peter could take absolutely no credit for the people that came to know Christ at Pentecost. He was broken. This harkens back to the Apostle Paul’s claim that “His strength is made perfect through weakness.” People who don’t view themselves as broken or weak will rely on intellect, physical prowess, wealth, etc. instead of relying on the Spirit’s power.

Do YOUR part today to help another.

The GOLDEN rule..... Do unto others as you would have them do unto YOU.

Many people know this "rule" but few LIVE by it.

On my morning devotional today I was reading about a young mother who took her children to school and stopped by a convenience store, where a young man sitting outside mumbled something to her as she walked by. When she went inside, the holy spirit stirred within her and told her to buy an extra bagel and give it to him on the way out. So she did, and when she gave it to him he lit up like it was Christmas. Later on a woman in her friend's bible study showed her a picture of the boy, thanking her for offering her son a bite to eat during his distress. It was a while down the road before the young mother felt the impact her small random act of kindness did, but it was worth her effort.

How many of us see others around us hurting, but do NOTHING to reach out a hand?

When I was homeless there were several times that I was hungry and would have appreciated anything someone gave me. There were times I had to panhandle to eat, and many times I would just stand outside somewhere and ask someone to buy me food, not give me money. Now that I am not so destitute, if I see someone outside a restaurant who looks hungry, I will offer to buy or give them food.

Spring 2012:

My husband and I had just left our Celebrate Recovery meeting at church in Clovis, NM, and we decided to go to dinner together. After a late dinner we decided to stop at Wal-Mart for something I needed. I ran inside and my hubby waited in the car for me. When I went into the store I saw a young lady sitting beside the coke machines with the hood of her hoodie pulled up over her face. All I could see was her hair and her hands, which you could tell were swollen and bruised from a long day. She looked like she was sleeping. When I came out of the store and got into the car, something tugged at my heart. I knew it was the spirit saying "Amy, you were there once. What would JESUS do?". I told my husband to turn the car around. I went up to the girl and woke her. She wasn't very happy about it, and wouldn't even lift her head to speak to me. I asked her if she was okay and she told me to go away. Then I asked her if she was hungry. We still had warm pizza in the car from our dinner together. When I offered her food she asked, "Is it warm?" I told her it sure was! She lifted her head and smiled at me with a painful smile. I got the pizza out of the car and asked her if she had somewhere to stay for the night, offering her a ride to the local shelter. She declined any further assistance, but accepted the food gladly. I told her "I've been where you are, and I understand how you feel. I want you to know God loves you and He's watching over you." When we drove away it was the greatest feeling I'd had in a long time.

My friends, I ask that as you go through each day you will strive to love your fellow man as YOU would want others to love you. Imagine what an amazing world this would be if everyone sought to live by the Golden Rule! Remember these scriptures today....

I love the way the Message Bible puts this scripture.... Matthew 22:37-40:
Jesus said, "'Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.' This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: 'Love others as well as you love yourself.' These two commands are pegs; everything in God's Law and the Prophets hangs from them."

John 13:34: "Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other."

It is my prayer that we will each do our part to alleviate the suffering of another today and every day.