The Hurt & The Healer....My Version

It has been a very long time since I posted to my blog here, but I have a lot of spare time on my hands right now, so I am going to be improving my blog and even going to start working on a Facebook page to help uplift those who are struggling in life. I want to get better at living intentionally, so I am going to begin working harder at Passionately @live! So let me fill you in a little on how the past few months have played out for me.

The last post I put on here was back in February, and life starting taking a turn in March. March 6, 2015 I was off work and my husband and I decided to go to the library to check our messages. The very FIRST thing I saw was a post that my cousin, Michael, had passed away the day before from an apparent drug overdose. My world fell apart and I took it very hard. I was all the way in Montana & couldn't be home for his funeral, and that made me very sad.......ONE.....

Shortly after Michael passed I found out that my dearest Grandmother had to be rushed into emergency surgery. I got the call just after pulling out of the church parking lot on a Sunday morning. I was told that she may not survive the surgery, that doctors thought something had ruptured inside of her and they didn't know what. My grandma was 91 years old and her age definitely played a factor. I had about 30 seconds to tell my Grandma how much I loved her before they whisked her away to the operating room.

She survived the surgery and returned home about a week or so after, on hospice. I put in my 2 weeks notice at my job and prepared to return home to Arizona so I could hopefully see my Grandma one more time before she left this earth. I got home on April 24th, and had the fortunate opportunity to be there with her as she went to her heavenly home 3 days later......TWO...

While at my grandmother's viewing I was dealt another blow. I found out that my only remaining grandparent, my now 90 year old Grandpa Tom, was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and that he chose not to pursue any further treatment. He wants to live out the rest of his days with the best quality of life possible.

My grandpa is pictured, center, with his son and several of his nieces and a nephew, and their grandpa. Grandpa is still with us, but that news hit me so hard I couldn't breathe. I had to leave the funeral home and go have a good cry......THREE.

On May 9th, the day before Mother's Day, I found out that one of my best friends found her brother-in-law hung himself on his mother's porch. My girlfriend was beside herself with grief. Six days later, on the eve of her brother-in-law's memorial, two of my dearest friends in the whole world, who I'd been friends with for 25+ years, were nearly lost in a rollover accident just down the street from where I was living.......BOOM!

 THAT WAS IT.....

THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMEL'S BACK......

After 11 years and 8 months of sobriety from my meth addiction I finally broke, and chose to get high to deal with the overwhelming grief that consumed me. My bestie on the right in the above picture was critically injured, with a crushed/shattered pelvis, several broken bones and internal bleeding. My bestie on the left was left paralyzed from the shoulders down, and we are hoping that she will regain use of her arms, but her future was crushed. Both of these girls are amazing friends and mothers. Their families' lives forever change by a freak accident that could have happened to anyone.

I returned to my addiction for nearly a month before realizing that my life was headed back down a very dark road, whose end was not a happy one. My loved ones could tell that I was spiraling out of control, and about 3 weeks into using again I chose to leave my hometown and everyone I loved behind and seek out somewhere that I could make a new life. I drove to Northern California to live with some friends who offered to help me put my life back together.

Less than 2 weeks into living with them, I realized that the living arrangement was not going to work out. I chose to leave my friends, and for the following week & a half I lived in my truck and laid my head wherever I could. During that time I was homeless...sleeping in the back of my truck, and robbed of everything of value that I possessed....while I was sleeping!!! It took me several days to contact my family and make arrangements to stay with cousins in Southern California, where I am living happily today.  But the trials don't end there....

I arrived in the San Bernardino area on July 3rd. By July 6th, an injury that I had sustained on my left big toe before I left Arizona became infected. The injury was around 2 months old and little healing had been sustained. I decided to go to the emergency room and was admitted to the hospital with an obvious infection. I was diagnosed with Osteomyelitis, infection of the bone, and required amputation. The doctors thought they might have to take half my foot, but I was given a blessing with anointed oil for the healing of the sick, and my foot drained out so much yucky, smelly discharge that by the time I had to go to the operating room, only my big toe needed to be amputated.

I have endured 15 days in the hospital over the past month and a half, two surgeries and I am still confined to a wheelchair with a wound vac on my foot to help encourage healing. Turns out I got some pretty serious bacteria in my foot while swimming & bathing in the rivers of Northern California. While I was in the hospital I decided to go back to church & get my life together. I am a work in progress, and trying to make every day better than the last.

I stopped using drugs on June 5th, and stopped smoking cigarettes cold turkey on July 6th, when I spent 10 days in the hospital. Once released, I disposed of 2 full packs of cigarettes, determined to stop partaking of unhealthy habits. I have a new lease on life because I realize just how close I was to losing my future for good. I don't plan to EVER use drugs or smoke ever again! I am looking forward to a great future once my foot is healed. The following song is one that rings true in my life at this time.

I want everyone to be encouraged by my story. I hope that hearing just a few of my recent experiences will help you to get through some of your struggles. KNOW THIS, friends...that God is REAL and he knows what you're going through. If you just turn to Him for your strength and healing, you can never go wrong and He will help give you strength. "For I can do ALL THINGS through CHRIST, who strengthens me. And He WILL strengthen YOU, too!!!!

Do Not Give Up

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. - Galatians 6:9

I Disagree.

Most of the time I do not disagree with the word of God. I agree with most of this verse. We should never become weary in doing good. The promise that follows is sure. For at the PROPER TIME we WILL reap a harvest.......IF WE DO NOT GIVE UP.  It's the last part of this verse that I disagree with. I think we should do good to ALL PEOPLE, but most especially to those who do NOT belong to the family of believers.

Those who believe are already part of the body of Christ. I feel that there is an urgent NEED for us to do the most good to those who need it the most. In these last days, I feel a sense of urgency that Jesus is sending us. We need to show those who doubt most, that Jesus does in fact love them, and the way that people are able to see HIM is through US.

So go forth, believers, and inspire EACH OTHER to reach out and do good, and share the gospel and the love of Christ to someone who is lost, doubting and hurting today. You may change the course of someone's ETERNITY.

Strength In Weakness

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 NIV

...Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

This scripture gives me the desire to expand upon the word of God. So many times we ask God..."Why are you doing this to me? ". It isn't until sometimes years down the road what the purposes for our struggles have been. But God ALWAYS knows what his purpose is.

Of course, I do not rejoice when I'm going through trials. In fact
I probably murmur just as much as any normal human being. But the more "practiced" I get I now try to approach difficulties with a different perspective. I know that He has purpose in ALL things, so I now ask in my prayer time, "Lord, what am I supposed to learn from this? What are you trying to teach me?". I have found that not only are my burdens a little bit easier to bear, but I often AM able to identify some of the purposes He has for me to learn with each situation.

I hope that we will all try to apply a different perspective to each hard time we face. If we remember that God is not done with us, and we are His greatest masterpiece, then we should be able to deal with the hard times better than someone who does not share an eternal perspective like we do.

How can we use this to minister to others?

Many people curse God for the trials & difficulties they experience in life. They become hardened and allow Satan to take control of their minds, and often end up slaves to addiction, homelessness & complete loss of all hope. It actually makes me feel PAIN when I see people making themselves suffer this way. Because in reality there is no reason for us to suffer! All we have to do is give everything to God. Jesus came to take away this pain we deal with. If we DAILY take up our own cross, and FOLLOW HIM, as He has asked us to do, we will find that he makes our burdens light because He is carrying us through it! Then we will learn to live with more joy in our sorrows. 

True Love Is Hard Work!

What do you do when marriage gets tough?

As many people are anticipating the arrival of Valentine's Day it got me thinking about what most people think love is. A lot of people think that love is something that you can "fall" into or out of, but I think that is wrong. 

Love is a CHOICE.

Sure, love is easy to do when everything is hunky dory, but what do you do when things get rocky, or worse...downright DIFFICULT! I was faced with this decision last year, and I thought that the best thing that I could do to get my husband's butt in gear was to leave him. That's what brought me to Montana from Arizona....separation. But just a few hours after leaving it all set in, and over the course of the first week of my separation I knew that I had made the wrong choice. I didn't want to live without my husband. There wasn't anything that had happened that we couldn't overcome. Within two weeks of being separated, my husband and I decided to save our marriage. We were separated a little over a month before we were reunited. The things that caused me to leave have improved, but we are still working on a lot of things. But I'm glad that I made the DECISION to stay with him. 

My husband and I made the decision that we would stick together no matter what obstacles we may face. I knew when I married him that he faced very difficult barriers to employment, but his lack of motivation makes it even harder. So I've encouraged him to go to school so that he can complete the degree he wants to have the career that he wants. I'm hoping that encouraging him to follow his dreams will give him the motivation he needs to have a promising future once he's done with school.

The above images are verses that were also read at our wedding. I am grateful that we are given the definition of what love is in the word of God. If we all learned to love this way then divorce rates would be much lower. 

Love Is A Verb!

It requires ACTION. When you make the DECISION to love someone, and you pledge your life to them in marriage, remember it is for BETTER or for WORSE, in SICKNESS or in HEALTH....every day until death separates you from one another until the next life. 

I'm glad I choose each day to love my husband. My life would be so much emptier without him. 

I Am a Wounded Warrior

Heal The Wound But Leave The Scar

Tonight I had a talk on the phone with one of my oldest friends. This dear friend has been through a tremendous amount of trials in her life...ones that if I'd had to endure I'm not sure I could have handled it. I've dealt with my own share of trials....lost pregnancies, abandonment, rejection, divorce, rape, sexual abuse, spousal abuse (verbal, physical, mental, financial), homelessness, drug addiction....Wow, once I list them I see just how much I have personally gone through!

I'm an Overcomer!

And so is EVERYONE who puts their faith in Christ. What truly saddens me about my dear friend that I spoke to tonight is that she has lost her faith after all that she has been through. There were times when I doubted my faith along the way....times that I ran as far from God as I could because I didn't think He was there for me with everything I'd faced. But I was WRONG!

When the time came that I finally hit rock bottom (which I did a FEW times before surrendering), I noticed that the ONLY person who was there to pick me up and heal all that was broken in me. I find now, that after fully surrendering to Him, I can talk about my experiences without feeling the pain and anger about them that I once felt. I can talk about how God has healed my soul, and made me whole again. My life is still FAR from perfect, but it is so much better since I've learned to give it all to Him every day. 

This dear friend of mine has lost her faith in God, others and herself because of the difficult things that she's gone through. She turned to God several times, and has given up on organized religion, because of people who have called themselves Christians and have fallen short of the mark. My dear friend expected the leaders of the churches she attended to give her the things that she needed, and when they proved to be human, as indeed they are, she gave up on God. 

WE WILL NEVER FIND PERFECTION IN ANY HUMAN, REGARDLESS OF WHAT CHURCH THEY ATTEND, LEADER...APOSTLE....PROPHET... EVERY HUMAN WILL FALL SHORT OF THE MARK OF PERFECTION WE PUT ON THEM.

There has always been only ONE perfect person to ever walk this earth, and He CAN give you the strength, healing and support you will always need. His name is Jesus!

The third musketeer in our group of friends....my girlfriend, our dear friend, and I....has been missing for several years and is also tormented by the horrific things he experienced in life. After enduring several traumas he turned to drugs, and he has never been the same. Sadly, I feel partly to blame for this dear friend's addiction, because he and I used heavily together back in the day, but I chose to enter recovery and change my life. He chose to remain in his addiction and refused to give up his pain to the only one who can truly heal our hearts. He also chose to rebel against Jesus and claim that He didn't care about him or He wouldn't have allowed him to go through all that he has. 

This is the greatest lie that the enemy can get us to believe. I have chosen to have a different philosophy in life. I have chosen to turn to the one who rescued me and give Him all my imperfections, and all my pain. The Word of God says in James 1:2-5...I prefer the Amplified translation, as it puts it into such great context...

    "Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing."  

I am truly grateful that I've been changed from the inside out by His great love. For a long time I was just as bitter and angry as my friends. It makes me sad to see people resort to a life of sadness and misery, when all they have to do is surrender and allow Him to take away their pain. I hope that anyone who is suffering from the intense pain of life's scars will be able to find peace as I have someday. I'm grateful now that Jesus has healed the wounds of my past, but left the scars behind so I will never forget. In closing I'd like to share this song with you, and I hope it touches your heart as it has mine. 

I pray for you every day, my friends. May God's peace be given to you through the one and only healer of all wounds....Jesus Christ!

Something we all need to remember!

I saw this video on Facebook today and I just HAD to share it. We all need to watch this and remember that wherever we go and whatever we are doing, He is there! So often we find ourselves overwhelmed and overcome by the stress and doubts of life that we forget that He is right there! He is always whispering in our ear and prompting us in ways that we never understand.

One thing I really love about this video is how it shows him rejoicing with us in our happy times, and comforting us during the hard times. How different would our lives be if we all remembered that He is always by our side! I think that we would be able to have much better quality of life.

I am trying daily to change my perspective on the world. Yes there is a lot of bad in the world, and Satan surely has his grasp on the world. But those of us who have a daily relationship with Christ KNOW that we have the AUTHORITY to overcome anything from the darkness! And for those who don't know Jesus, we need to share His message with anyone we have the opportunity to! We might be able to change someone's life in immeasurable ways that we have no idea about!

Remember that He loves you and is with you always!

Where My Bible Opened To Today - Job 8-11

         I was planning to copy & paste Job 8-11 here from my bible but it would just take up way too much space, so I hope you will take the time to read it. 

         How many times do we sit around with our friends or acquaintances and talk to them about our problems or trials and they want to accuse us of doing something to "deserve" what we are dealing with? And how many times do we hear people say "GOD is giving me way more than I can handle. I despise GOD for everything I'm going through."? Instead of realizing the source of our trials....that the Lord is allowing the devil to TEST us, we try to turn it around. And how often do we have "friends" who try to make us feel like what we are going through is OUR fault?

         I really enjoyed reading these chapters this morning, because here we have someone hundreds of years ago who struggles with the same feelings we do? How often do we feel like we are alone in our suffering? Here we can see someone who went through SO much but never blamed God or himself for the things that he was going through. The Lord allowed the enemy to take everything from Job....his family, his possessions, even his health. Yet Job never stopped loving God. 

         I think this is a wonderful example of how we should deal with things that we are going through. This life is a test! God wants to see that no matter what hard times we fall upon, we will turn to Him for our strength! We have our advocate, JESUS CHRIST, who has already paid the price for our sins, and HE is wanting us to allow Him to fulfill what He has already done. We can turn to Him and receive peace during difficult times.

          One last thing that I would like to point out about this excerpt is the manner in which Job's friends treated him during his struggles. I pray that we as Christians who follow Christ will NEVER treat others unkindly or try to make them feel like they are less than an amazing child of God when they are dealing with trials. I pray that we will have a heart like Jesus....to lift them up and remind them that God loves them, and that Jesus came to the world and gave His life so that we could live everyday with the knowledge that God is good! He selflessly gave his only Son so that we could be redeemed for our imperfections.

         I pray that you strive to love others as He has loved us. Happy Sunday, my friends! May the love of the Lord be with you in all that you do!

God is showing me the way...

For quite some time I've been asking God to reveal to me what my "mission" or purpose in life is. I've been down so many broken roads and difficult paths (all self-inflicted)...I've changed my major and my career goals so many times I often have wondered which way I should go. The more I get into working in Celebrate Recovery and other areas of ministry that I am involved in, the more it seems like the Lord is leading me into ministry.

A couple years ago, the Lord gave me a vision for a project that seems insurmountable, but it is DEFINITELY doable with the right education, networking contacts and financial support. I've talked to people about it, and everyone says that I should pursue it. I tried talking to several people about it, including ministers and even legislators! People were giving me an amazing amount of encouragement, but because of lack of funding and community support we just weren't able to get it off the ground, so I put it on the back burner for a while.

Just the other night at bible study the Lord began putting it on my heart again to do the ministry I had been inspired to do. My husband and I have started attending the  Valley School of Ministry & Leadership at our church here in Missoula. I'm starting to think that the Lord has put us here to show us what he wants us to do with our ministry. I'm starting to think that this entire move to Missoula was so the Lord could get us out of the hell we were living in and put us back on the right path.

I'm grateful for the things that the Lord does for us that we don't even realize at the time. One thing I'm most grateful for is my RELATIONSHIP with the Lord, and that by staying connected with him I am able to slowly grasp what His plan for me is. I wish I could know everything right now, but I'm grateful for the process of the things He is showing me and teaching me everyday.

Bless you, my friends, today and everyday. Thanks for tuning in.

It's About Time!

If you asked my mother, husband, or probably anyone else that I know what my biggest flaw is they would probably most DEFINITELY say that I am the WORST person at managing my time. And they'd be right. Just about the only place that I am good about time management is at work. During my 8 hours I have developed a routine where I have a time for just about every chore that I need to do, and I always get it done. So during my personal prayer time I was asking the Lord to help me devise a plan to help me manage my time better.

This is what I got.....

We have 24 hours in each day. Of that time, we NEED to sleep a minimum of 6-8 hours. So with that in mind, this is how my schedule should look every day.

This is how long things SHOULD take.

Wake up, take medicines & check blook sugar....10 minutes
Prayer & Personal Scriptures..... Time with God...30 minutes
Yoga & A.M. Walk - 30 minutes each = 1 hour
Shower - 20 minutes
Get ready for my day - 30 minutes
TOTAL = 2.5 hours

Work - 8 hours

Personal Enrichment Time - Study/Learning - 4 hours

TOTAL= 14.5 hours

This leaves 1.5 - 3 hours for traveling, eating, relaxing, etc.

Then for sleep..... 6-8 hours....so....

It takes me about 30 minutes to wind down from my day.
Plus another 30 to fall asleep. 
This leaves me about 4.5 hours to enjoy REM sleep (if I'm lucky)
I like to set my alarm half an hour before I'm supposed to be up, with a snooze alarm 15 minutes prior to wake-up, so that I can wake up slowly. I'm not a person who just jumps out of bed.

This daily routine is something that I want to get myself into this year and make it a habit for me. I really NEED a routine to help keep me on task. I'm nearly 37 years old (in a week & a day), and I should have learned to do this years ago. Oh well, I guess better late than never!

Maybe this schedule will help someone else out too! Let me know if it does!

I love this song!

More Than You Think I Am- Danny Gokey

This song really speaks to me & what I know about my Savior. He's so much more than we think he is. He will meet us wherever we are. I know this personally, because when I have been at my lowest HE was there! I hope that everyone can relate to this song, so I'm sharing!